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  • Writer's pictureArchuleta A. Chisolm

When Did Marriage Become a Conversion?

I wasn’t one of those little girls that dreamed about being a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, I wrote in my high school yearbook that my dream was to be single, write, and travel the world. By no means was I anti-marriage and kids. But my independent spirit came from my Nana and mother teaching me to live life for myself first.

I didn’t date much in high school; I’ve always been a relationship kind of girl. I had two boyfriends throughout the whole four years: one in my sophomore year that cared more about himself and his friends, and the other during my senior year who wanted to completely monopolize my time.

They both were attractive boys and the girls weren’t shy about wanting in. But let’s be clear – even as teenagers, these boys weren’t naïve or confused. They loved the attention and knew what to do with it. I remember wanting attention too back then; seeking validation in others and not settling into my own worthiness. I suppose when it’s all said and done, we all just want to be acknowledged that we exist.

Ultimately, I married my college sweetheart when I was 26 years old. He grew up the only son of eight, with a strict father and stay at home mother. We were together for 13 years; married for eight.

Recently, Ayesha Curry sat down with “Auntie Jada” for a little Red Table Talk. She spoke about her insecurities with the amount of attention her NBA husband Steph Curry receives from other women, and even the attention she doesn’t get from other men.

"Something that really bothers me, and honestly has given me a sense of a little bit of an insecurity, is the fact that yeah, there are all these women, like, throwing themselves [at him], but me, like, the past 10 years, I don't have any of that," she said. "I have zero — this sounds weird — but, like, male attention, and so then I begin to internalize it, and I'm like, Is something wrong with me?”

Well, you would have thought someone pressed the button on World War III with how the social media stratosphere came for her. For some reason, she was not only accused of disrespecting her husband – but how dare she express herself.

Honestly, I couldn’t figure out why Ayesha Curry was being dragged for filth. She spoke her truth, so what can be wrong about that?

She and Steph have been together since they were kids – 15 years old. He’s her first and only! She’s 30 years old with three small children, has her own businesses, and a supportive NBA wife which we know can’t be easy.

When did marriage become a conversion? The notion that when a woman marries she has to lose her sense of self and any desire to feel like she’s still got it is absurd. She’s a real woman with real feelings. Having an identity doesn’t go away when you get married.

Some people just don’t like Ayesha Curry. She’s always catching grief over the littlest things. On Mother’s Day, Ayesha posted a picture of her and her husband on Instagram. She wrote: “Our mamas gave us common sense and that’s not common. Thank you mamas we love you!” Well, out came a troll in the comments “Attention at its finest.” Social media has accused her of being a “Pick me”, since her interview on Red Table Talk. I still don’t see how having legitimate feelings about your own self-worth is being desperate for attention.

What is the message we’re sending to young women? That once you become a wife, you are to shut up, sit down, and repress your feelings? That you must melt into your husband and not “disrespect” him by speaking your truth?

During my marriage, I learned that my voice didn’t always matter. So, I silenced it for a long time. Going through the motions, nodding, and smiling can be exhausting – and painful. Muting my voice robbed me of my truth, and after a while I didn’t even know what my truth was anymore.

As a society, we have a lot of work to do on behalf of women. We don’t listen and we don’t believe. Women get lost in what they do – the hamster wheel – and forget to say, “Hey, this is what I really feel.” And when they do acknowledge it they are shamed for it.

The willingness to speak from your heart unapologetically is actually being secure. Every time you step up to the blank page to write your truth, there is always someone that you’re setting free. It may even be yourself.

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